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Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Can We Talk?
I'll let you in on a little secret: I have "issues" with abandonment.
Really.
I remember when I was little and I'd get separated from my mom in a grocery store of something and how that would freak me out.
One time I was supposed to meet my dad at a specific location after a football game (we'd both chosen to sit with our own friends) and I remember leaving a close game with little time left to go to the flagpole just to make sure he wouldn't go home without me.
When I was dating my "too good to be true" high school girlfriend I worried constantly that she would break up with me.
I still have this thought in my brain that my wife might up and leave me.
I have no idea why I struggled with that so much. I mean, my mom had never left me alone in a grocery store for more than about a minute. My dad always showed up when and where he was supposed to. My girlfriend, during the high school years, never gave any indication that she was unhappy in any way. My wife, during the marriage years, never has given me any indications that she's going to leave.
And then my dad died. I was 13.
I wish that I could say that I felt the love of God during that time. I wish I could say that the sense of loss was erased because of my understanding of Him and His love for me. I wish I could say that I didn't feel abandoned.
But I did.
And my feelings, like they always tend to do, lied to me.
And my feelings, like they always tend to do, follow my thoughts.
Let me use an example that is pretty common around our church: When you awaken from a nightmare, you have all sorts of feelings rambling around. Your heart rate is up. You might be shaking. Your nerves are on edge. Then your thoughts begin. You're in your room. It's just a nightmare. You just need some water and then you can go back to sleep. And then your feelings change.
Well, frankly, that's how I continue to fight my issues of abandonment.
I just replace those thoughts, when they pop into my head, with some of the words from Psalm 16 (there are others, too):
"...my flesh also will dwell securely. For Thou wilt not abandon my soul to Sheol; neither wilt Thou allow They Holy One to undergo decay."
It's right there. It's as plain as the nose on your face...especially when that "nose" is your abandonment issue.
So, when I begin to think that somehow I'll be abandoned, I know that the Lord won't. I mean, I might have suspicions that others will leave me (and they might), but what I know is that even if everyone else around me left me (my family, my friends, my church, my teenagers, whatever), the Lord will not.
No matter if I "feel" abandoned. The reality is that we'll never be abandoned by our God.
So, for today, can you think of a time you feel like God abandoned you? How did it turn out? How did you come to realize that He didn't abandon you?
Brent 4:18 AM
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